Are you scared?

I'm not sure how this blog post will roll out but I have this urge to write and dump my thoughts here. This could turn out to be motivational, or not. Either way, I know that blogging helps me too. I started blogging in 2014 as a way to release my pent-up anxiety. Writing for me is like talking to a therapist. It's equivalent to completing a session - it's liberating, my anxiety lessens, and more often than not, it gives me the drive to continue.

Manila is now under modified quarantine rules. It's less strict but I still don't go out. The hubby is more than willing to do the errands so let him be, I'm no rush to get infected. Honestly, I dread the testing more than the infection itself. I cringe whenever I see someone getting a swab test. Have you seen how deep the swab goes into your nose? It's like touching your skull, ugh! Swab testing = DEATH. I kennat!

I was scared too...

I was feeling quite anxious around the last week of March/first week of April. My schedule went out of the window and I ain't happy. The Batangas trip, the vacation in Baler, visit in Pampanga, and several planned talks and events - all cancelled! Obviously, our nail salon needed to shut down and our dimsum food cart closed. Our milk tea distribution company, although into food business, was not considered a necessity so it was closed, too. And this came in a time that I was feeling scarce. Contrary to popular belief, I also do feel scared around money - that our savings might run out, that we won't earn enough, and kept on thinking about the future. The same thoughts that many of you are feeling right now. Let me tell you, it's okay to acknowledge this feeling. It's actually good to own up to these emotions, process them, and face them head-on instead of shrugging it off and pretend you're okay.

You possibly think that you're attracting negativity by having negative thoughts. If you can't shake off that bad feeling no matter how hard you try, even with repeated "God will take care of everything" mantra doesn't mean you don't have faith. Faith is a very good armory to wear because it calms us. Knowing that God is in control is the most blessed thing that can happen to any human being. But the reality is, all humans have fear. We're designed this way to keep us alive. Our human existence continues because we all have this instinct not to die.

So fear is not something to be afraid of. It's there for a reason and I've learned to process my fear in a good way. Instead of having the 'I'm-not-afraid-attitude', I learned to identify what really worries me and just confront it once and for all.

So when I was feeling down during the last week of March/early April, I knew I needed to shake it off.

 I started with my mantra, "I am safe. I am blessed. I deserve all the good things in the world" then began writing my fears.

What if the lockdown continues and our businesses won't operate for months. Where will we get our income?

What if someone gets sick in the family and requires hundreds of thousands if not million pesos to have treatment?

Is 2020 still a good year?

I need to renew my domain, where will I get the money?

So many injustices and bad things are happening, when will this end?

These are some of the things I wrote and I also kind of blamed myself for not saving more, for being lazy, for not being confident or savvy enough. "Have I made the biggest mistake of my life by quitting my job?" I let it all out! All the negative thoughts that I didn't even want to entertain, that I was trying to mask, that I didn't like to admit even to myself - I wrote it all down. 

After two days, it was not like I'm "healed" from my negative thoughts but I wrote this entry in my journal:

"Guard your thoughts, Lyn Joy!
You are on Facebook and Twitter too much. You know that the news affects you then why do you keep on scrolling and reading them? Are you bored? Lazy? Torturing yourself? (By the way, I deleted my FB and Twitter app on my main phone so I won't unconsciously check them every five minutes)
Nothing will come out of it. Why not do something more productive? Like, finish your course before Biel's birthday. Consider it as your gift to her.

You are amazing Lyn Joy"

While writing in my journal, an idea also came to me: it takes the same time and effort to earn 1 peso and 1 million pesos. The Universe doesn't recognize time and size. The only reason why there is a delay in getting the 1 million is because we think that 1 peso is easier to generate than the 1 million. It is us who is putting a barrier between ourselves and our big goals.

Another two days passed...

After my "therapeutic" journal entry, I received $100 from my Adsense account. It was for the ads that were running on my other blog. Wow! Just 4 days ago, I was thinking where to get the money to pay for my website, and now the money showed up. I'm always amazed how magical life really is.

Apart from receiving that hundred dollars, I started thinking, how can I earn? Because you know, if we want money then we should create money - as simple as that. I actually applied as an ESL teacher and got hired after going through some training and actual lessons. Yet, my heart was heavy all throughout the process. My instinct tells me that taking that job was against the freedom I'm enjoying right now. I'm not against doing tasks especially if it pays the bills and puts food on the table. You gotta do what you gotta do, no question about that. BUT what I'm not comfortable with, at this stage in my life, is doing things that don't feel right because I know I'm only acting out of fear and scarcity.

To cut the story short, I declined the ESL offer and instead stumbled upon a content writer role. It was a freelance gig and I'll be paid per words. Hmmmn, not an earth-shattering pay but at least I'm earning and I wasn't feeling bad compared to the ESL job. So for a month, I was writing for someone else and kind of enjoying it until the boss asked me to double the number of words I was producing a day. Instinctively, I know that was not I wanted but, heck, that means double the amount so I agreed. After two days of forcing myself to produce content, I knew I can't to do the task long-term. The quality of my writing was deteriorating and I'm not okay with that. After almost a month, I said goodbye but managed to earn around 14k for that project. Again, not earth-shattering but enough for groceries. It also turned out that lots of people wanted to make their own milk tea at home or start their own milk tea business so we almost doubled our sales during the quarantine period - credit goes to my husband for that. Instead of waiting it out, he took actions.

And this reminded me that MONEY IS EVERYWHERE. You should just be willing to receive it. When a door closes, find the frigging window!

God is giving us the opportunities (since we keep on praying for them) and it's up to us which one to take. The situation we are right now could potentially our chance to pivot. You might be feeling depressed due to lack of work or income but this moment might be your answered prayer. Maybe God is giving you the opportunity to finally take that leap of faith. Stress stems from worrying in advance. Yung tipong wala pa nga, anticipated mo na yung worst. The best thing to do when we're stressed is tap the logical part of our brain and recognize that we're actually stressing on something that is not happening yet or we don't have any control of. By recognizing the emotion, you're already half way of sorting out your issue.  

I'll end this post with a word of wisdom....

Choz, wala akong wisdom haha! 

Seriously though, I'm always praying for you. Every night, during my meditation, I know that I'm able to amplify and transmit the abundant and positive energy I'm feeling at that moment (all of us have that ability) so I would exactly do that. You might not be aware but I am now transmitting the positive energy to you. 

As you read this, I hope you feel the abundance, love, and serenity that you needed right at this very moment. Can you feel it? Some tingling sensation, your heart beating faster, your emotions overflowing? Thank you for allowing the magic to happen. Thank you for being open and accepting. Continue welcoming all the graces. Say "thank you, thank you, thank you" as often as you want - while walking, while brushing your teeth, while cooking, while reading this - and know that you are very blessed, from the moment you were born and until now. I'm very excited for you. 

P.S.: If you want to talk, I'm here. 

Live The Life and Business You Have Imagined!

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