I had a very long conversation with one of the members of our community. This is her dilemma:

"You know Lyn Joy, it's easy to start a business and focus on our dreams if the husband has the same ambition and drive. Unfortunately, my husband prefers to play video games in his spare time, which is most of the time. He's not into business and quite negative about money. I told him that we should start saving and although he agrees, his actions say otherwise. He continues spending mindlessly and is never really interested in getting extra income."

Let us set the scene. Your husband is loving and responsible. He might have a few vices here and there but nothing that will put your family at risk. You love him and he loves you. Sounds ideal, right?

But here’s the caveat: you and your husband have different money goals. You already noticed the difference when you were still dating but it was no big deal then. He was a good man (still is) and as the song goes, "when we're hungry, love will keep us alive", right?

Now that you have kids, you suddenly have the realization that love alone can't pay the mortgage or build an emergency fund. For your husband, as long as there’s food on the table and a roof over your head then everything's fine. He works part-time on odd jobs or probably working full-time on minimum wage-paying jobs, and he's totally content. He might have dreams but doesn’t have the drive or intention to chase it. He's always cautious and negative about money.

It hits you then:

You chase your dreams and your husband just dreams.
You want to make an impact on the world and your husband only cares about his.
You are hungry for success and he is just hungry for food.
You want to be the CEO and he's content being an employee.
You create and save money and he spends money.

The total opposite of your drive, ambition, hard work, and determination.
You sometimes even think how you end up with this guy!

Maybe, if your husband is physically hurting you or into gamble and drugs, it will be so easy to just pack your bags and leave, but he is not like that. He is a decent guy with just no dreams. This puts you in a difficult position – should you stay or should you let go?

I'm writing this post because I know our community consists of highly motivated, ambitious, courageous, intelligent women. Our passion and determination to create and build outstanding businesses really separate us from the majority. Although we love being a lady - enjoys fashion, loves cooking, loves anything soft, fluffy, and girly - better not mess with us because we give zero f*ck. 

Our generation, luckily, is now raised to rise above all challenges. We are now encouraged to Lean In - as used by Sheryl Sandberg in her book - be assertive, to move toward a leading, rather than a following, role. It's a very good time to be a woman.

But comes with this empowerment is a risk that the wife becomes more driven than her husband. And I'm not talking about being monetary-driven alone. Wife wants to give more, she's hungry for knowledge, she wants to know her purpose and see how far she can go. It's an exciting time for her but the husband, unfortunately, doesn't share the same excitement.

 Not all of us are married to alpha males. Filipinos, as a culture, are workers, we are excellent workers actually. As an OFW, I heard many times Filipinos are great employees. We are hard-worker, rarely complain, don't discriminate jobs, and are very adaptable. However, when given an opportunity to lead or manage, we refused. We want to follow and just be told. We are uncomfortable standing up and giving orders. It's not our nature.

As a woman who is having your own business (or planning to have your own soon), you start seeing the ambition gap. And it's a reality. Not everything is pretty and in TWP, we will discuss things even if it's difficult. 

Listen to your heart

Our mind always tries to justify our decision. It gives hundreds of reasons why you should stay or leave. This is when listening to your heart will help you.

What does your heart say? Deep down, does it tell you to let go of the relationship and start your new journey without him? Or is it telling you to stay because you really love him and can’t imagine life without your husband?

If you decide to continue your journey without him, I applaud your courage. This is not an easy decision and I think you know that. You might be called a bitch, a money-whore, and other hurtful words just because you allowed yourself to be released in a relationship that drains your soul. I’m proud because you value yourself more which is very rare for a woman to do. We're trained to endure, to suffer, and sacrifice for the people we love. The fact that you dare let go of a relationship that doesn’t give you happiness is a very commendable thing to do. I’m proud of you.

Life is short and we have to live it as meaningful and as truthful as we can be.

Now, if your heart says that you want to stay in a relationship because you truly love him, let me share with you some insights:

You and your husband are two different individuals – different upbringing, different values, different work ethics, different beliefs – who decided to be married and have your life journey together.

When you were newly married, you and your husband decided to be in the same car. This is the honeymoon phase. You love to please each other, avoid conflicts, and have this huge admiration for each other. Being the man in the relationship, you allowed him to take control of the steering wheel.

However, after passing a few highways and several turns and bumps along the way, you realized that you don’t like the way he drives. Either he is too aggressive, too slow, too fast, loves to take shortcuts, or takes the long way. Whatever it is, you don’t want him to be the driver anymore. Should you ask him then to leave the driver seat so you can take control of the steering wheel? It’s an awkward situation. What should you do then?

Can I tell you one important truth?
You can travel on the same road but in different cars.

If you can accept this reality then you will live a very happy, fulfilling life with your partner.

Expectation is the number one enemy of any relationship.

Your husband expects you to clean the house.
Your husband expects you to take care of the kids.
Your husband expects you not to complain.

You expect your husband to provide for all your needs.
You expect your husband to sweep you off your feet every freaking time.
You expect your husband to remember your birthday and anniversaries.

Failing to meet these expectations results in disappointment. And continuous disappointments result in fights, falling out of love, and worst – separation.

If after careful deliberation you decided that you want to stay then it’s time to let go of any expectations of him. Remember that you had the option to leave but didn’t.

For the relationship to survive, you have to accept that your husband has a different journey than you. Don’t expect him to want what you want. Yes, you can inspire him. Yes, you can encourage him. You can even show him your vision but don’t expect that he would be interested let alone listen.

Do whatever you need to do. Follow your dreams. Take action. Persevere. Reach the top. Always remember your why. He may or may not be helpful or encouraging but it doesn't matter. This is your journey.

Maybe, just maybe, your success will inspire him that it's possible for his dreams too.

A warning though

Choosing to stay with your partner is a good thing but as a result, can affect your own dreams negatively. You might be the type of woman who doesn’t want to ‘hurt’ her husband’s ego and might tend to hold off your passion or goal for fear of emasculating your partner.

If you find yourself in this conflicting emotion, remember that your dreams are not only for you but for your family as well. Your success is definitely a win-win for everybody. This is a journey that you need to take and I know not pursuing what your gut tells you will result in lifetime dissatisfaction.

That's it my fellow TWPs! Always remember...
Live the Life You Have Imagined for Yourself! 

P.S.: If you need more motivation, you are in the right place. I hope these articles inspire you.

Financially scared because of the pandemic?
Why am I encouraging you to stop being too thrifty
My mutual fund experience. Spoiler alert, not a good one!
38 Lessons from becoming a self-made millionaire

I'm not sure how this blog post will roll out but I have this urge to write and dump my thoughts here. This could turn out to be motivational, or not. Either way, I know that blogging helps me too. I started blogging in 2014 as a way to release my pent-up anxiety. Writing for me is like talking to a therapist. It's equivalent to completing a session - it's liberating, my anxiety lessens, and more often than not, it gives me the drive to continue.

Manila is now under modified quarantine rules. It's less strict but I still don't go out. The hubby is more than willing to do the errands so let him be, I'm no rush to get infected. Honestly, I dread the testing more than the infection itself. I cringe whenever I see someone getting a swab test. Have you seen how deep the swab goes into your nose? It's like touching your skull, ugh! Swab testing = DEATH. I kennat!

I was scared too...

I was feeling quite anxious around the last week of March/first week of April. My schedule went out of the window and I ain't happy. The Batangas trip, the vacation in Baler, visit in Pampanga, and several planned talks and events - all cancelled! Obviously, our nail salon needed to shut down and our dimsum food cart closed. Our milk tea distribution company, although into food business, was not considered a necessity so it was closed, too. And this came in a time that I was feeling scarce. Contrary to popular belief, I also do feel scared around money - that our savings might run out, that we won't earn enough, and kept on thinking about the future. The same thoughts that many of you are feeling right now. Let me tell you, it's okay to acknowledge this feeling. It's actually good to own up to these emotions, process them, and face them head-on instead of shrugging it off and pretend you're okay.

You possibly think that you're attracting negativity by having negative thoughts. If you can't shake off that bad feeling no matter how hard you try, even with repeated "God will take care of everything" mantra doesn't mean you don't have faith. Faith is a very good armory to wear because it calms us. Knowing that God is in control is the most blessed thing that can happen to any human being. But the reality is, all humans have fear. We're designed this way to keep us alive. Our human existence continues because we all have this instinct not to die.

So fear is not something to be afraid of. It's there for a reason and I've learned to process my fear in a good way. Instead of having the 'I'm-not-afraid-attitude', I learned to identify what really worries me and just confront it once and for all.

So when I was feeling down during the last week of March/early April, I knew I needed to shake it off.

 I started with my mantra, "I am safe. I am blessed. I deserve all the good things in the world" then began writing my fears.

What if the lockdown continues and our businesses won't operate for months. Where will we get our income?

What if someone gets sick in the family and requires hundreds of thousands if not million pesos to have treatment?

Is 2020 still a good year?

I need to renew my domain, where will I get the money?

So many injustices and bad things are happening, when will this end?

These are some of the things I wrote and I also kind of blamed myself for not saving more, for being lazy, for not being confident or savvy enough. "Have I made the biggest mistake of my life by quitting my job?" I let it all out! All the negative thoughts that I didn't even want to entertain, that I was trying to mask, that I didn't like to admit even to myself - I wrote it all down. 

After two days, it was not like I'm "healed" from my negative thoughts but I wrote this entry in my journal:

"Guard your thoughts, Lyn Joy!

You are on Facebook and Twitter too much. You know that the news affects you then why do you keep on scrolling and reading them? Are you bored? Lazy? Torturing yourself? (By the way, I deleted my FB and Twitter app on my main phone so I won't unconsciously check them every five minutes)
Nothing will come out of it. Why not do something more productive? Like, finish your course before Biel's birthday. Consider it as your gift to her.

You are amazing Lyn Joy"

While writing in my journal, an idea also came to me: it takes the same time and effort to earn 1 peso and 1 million pesos. The Universe doesn't recognize time and size. The only reason why there is a delay in getting the 1 million is because we think that 1 peso is easier to generate than the 1 million. It is us who is putting a barrier between ourselves and our big goals.

Another two days passed...

After my "therapeutic" journal entry, I received $100 from my Adsense account. It was for the ads that were running on my other blog. Wow! Just 4 days ago, I was thinking where to get the money to pay for my website, and now the money showed up. I'm always amazed how magical life really is.

Apart from receiving that hundred dollars, I started thinking, how can I earn? Because you know, if we want money then we should create money - as simple as that. I actually applied as an ESL teacher and got hired after going through some training and actual lessons. Yet, my heart was heavy all throughout the process. My instinct tells me that taking that job was against the freedom I'm enjoying right now. I'm not against doing tasks especially if it pays the bills and puts food on the table. You gotta do what you gotta do, no question about that. BUT what I'm not comfortable with, at this stage in my life, is doing things that don't feel right because I know I'm only acting out of fear and scarcity.

To cut the story short, I declined the ESL offer and instead stumbled upon a content writer role. It was a freelance gig and I'll be paid per words. Hmmmn, not an earth-shattering pay but at least I'm earning and I wasn't feeling bad compared to the ESL job. So for a month, I was writing for someone else and kind of enjoying it until the boss asked me to double the number of words I was producing a day. Instinctively, I know that was not I wanted but, heck, that means double the amount so I agreed. After two days of forcing myself to produce content, I knew I can't to do the task long-term. The quality of my writing was deteriorating and I'm not okay with that. After almost a month, I said goodbye but managed to earn around 14k for that project. Again, not earth-shattering but enough for groceries. It also turned out that lots of people wanted to make their own milk tea at home or start their own milk tea business so we almost doubled our sales during the quarantine period - credit goes to my husband for that. Instead of waiting it out, he took actions.

And this reminded me that MONEY IS EVERYWHERE. You should just be willing to receive it. When a door closes, find the frigging window!

God is giving us the opportunities (since we keep on praying for them) and it's up to us which one to take. The situation we are right now could potentially our chance to pivot. You might be feeling depressed due to lack of work or income but this moment might be your answered prayer. Maybe God is giving you the opportunity to finally take that leap of faith. Stress stems from worrying in advance. Yung tipong wala pa nga, anticipated mo na yung worst. The best thing to do when we're stressed is tap the logical part of our brain and recognize that we're actually stressing on something that is not happening yet or we don't have any control of. By recognizing the emotion, you're already half way of sorting out your issue.  

I'll end this post with a word of wisdom....
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Choz, wala akong wisdom haha! 

Seriously though, I'm always praying for you. Every night, during my meditation, I know that I'm able to amplify and transmit the abundant and positive energy I'm feeling at that moment (all of us have that ability) so I would exactly do that. You might not be aware but I am now transmitting the positive energy to you. 

As you read this, I hope you feel the abundance, love, and serenity that you needed right at this very moment. Can you feel it? Some tingling sensation, your heart beating faster, your emotions overflowing? Thank you for allowing the magic to happen. Thank you for being open and accepting. Continue welcoming all the graces. Say "thank you, thank you, thank you" as often as you want - while walking, while brushing your teeth, while cooking, while reading this - and know that you are very blessed, from the moment you were born and until now. I'm very excited for you. 

P.S.: If you want to talk, I'm here.